It's Just Good (Halfling) Business

It's Just Good (Halfling) Business is the title of the twentieth and penultimate episode episode of Jarren's Outpost Hustle, a D&D Is For Nerds Adventure. It features Adam Carnevale as the Dungeon Master. The episode was released on 5th September, 2017. The introductory soundbite is "Sanspants radio: When I was young I went to this school called - I forget what it was called - but it was basically like a cult school and every morning we did meditation, and we were given a word that was our meditation word, right?, and the word was - oh, well, I'll tell you after the story. So, anyway, they told me this word was very secret, that only I would know it, it was completely unique to me and it was what I had to repeat every time I meditated.  Absolutely, it was my personal word.  Then I remember one day [to] a friend who was in the same school, I was like, 'tell me your word', he's like, 'I'm not allowed to tell you the word,' I'm like, 'tell me your word, what's your word?' so he told me his word, and his word was exactly the same as my word!  That's when I realised, 'it's a sham!' I'd been screwed.  And I'll tell you here, today, the word was 'ing', so it's just a sound!" spoken by Jackson Baly. The previous episode is Wererats and Warehouses and the following one is The Weapon.

Events

 * 1) Greg Piss holds Shane the Wererat's head underwater.  He drinks a health potion while he does it.
 * 2) Periwinkle and Leo make their way towards the other end of the Surefoot warehouse.
 * 3) Greg successfully, it seems, drowns Shane, drinks another potion, and heads towards the blood cult's lair.
 * 4) Periwinkle tosses an illuminating pellet and sees a box fort ahead.  Leo gets stuck in quicksand.
 * 5) Periwinkle makes it to the box fort, jumps in and lands onto a halfling and takes it hostage, demanding the freedom of his wife.
 * 6) The foreman, some guards bringing a tied-up Graggia and Papa Surefoot appear.
 * 7) Leo makes it to the box fort and joins Periwinkle.
 * 8) Papa Surefoot asks Periwinkle to leave.
 * 9) Periwinkle cuts Graggia's ties and asks Papa Surefoot what he plans to do with the weapon.  Leo slips off to the side.
 * 10) Papa Surefoot tells the party that he plans to take over the city.  The weapon fires up, and then fires down at Periwinkle.

Players & Their Characters

 * Jackson Baly as Greg Piss
 * Joel Zammit as Leo Shadow
 * Handsome Tom as Periwinkle O'Rourke

NPCs

 * Shane
 * Surefoot foreman
 * Surefoot guards
 * Halfling construction workers
 * Graggia
 * Papa Surefoot

Locations

 * Jarren's Outpost
 * Gnomish District
 * Surefoot Warehouse
 * Jarren's Outpost Sewers

Plot
Can Piss drown a rat? It continues to try to bite and claw at him, digging into his face. Shane the Wererat remains underwater.

Periwinkle presses on, as does Leo, who turns a corner. In a criss-crossing pattern, for thirty feet, there are tripwires, but Leo sprints through them, triggering the lot; but he comes out unharmed.

Greg drinks a health potion whilst also holding Shane underwater. Shane stops struggling, and bubbles float to the surface of the sewer.

Periwinkle climbs onto a storage box, and is hit by an arrow. He throws, ahead of him, the pellet of daylight he obtained from Eaton's locker, and illuminates the warehouse, and making visible dozens of halflings on the catwalk. Ahead, he makes out a box fort, and charges towards it. Leo continues, attempting to speed up, but is distracted - he falls into quicksand, up to his knees.

Shane's arms collapse, no more bubbles. Greg tries to pierce the wererat with a broken bottle but can't get through his hide, so he steps off; Shane floats to the surface, and then starts to float off. He chugs another health potion and starts making his way to the blood cult hideout.

Two more arrows hit Periwinkle as he charges. He considers throwing a bunch of bees at them, and whether or not it would be worth going on and risking arrow fire or going back into the maze and risking being caught by another trap. Regardless, he keeps running. Leo tosses his grappling hook, but he can't catch it the first time, but on the second throw it loosely attaches and pulls himself out the muck, but the hook detaches and he finds himself on his belly upon the sand. Periwinkle cops one minor arrow hit and can look into the box fort. Within it, an excavation site - evidently, how the Surefoots have been getting in and out of the sewers. There are halflings with hard-hats carrying boxes, a few with weapons - 60 in total, roughly, with only ten in arms and not surprised by Periwinkle's appearance. In the middle is a sort of building - three floors up is who looks to be the foreman. He jumps, landing upon a Surefoot guard, then hoists him up. With one arm, he holds him up, squeezing his arms into dropping the weapon, and with the other he holds his bee gauntlet to the halfling's throat. He demands his wife in return for the freedom of his captured Surefoot. Leo throws his grappling hook again, and keeps himself balanced. He gets a good foothold on a crate and is able, this time, to pull himself out entirely.

Periwinkle tells the security team to drop their weapons and pass them over, which they do, as the construction workers back away. Leo gets to the entryway of the box fort. He finds an alarm trap. The foreman, holding a mug of coffee, appears, with three members of the security team holding Graggia - tied up and bloodied. Finally, Papa Surefoot steps out, and calls out to ask Periwinkle to leave now that he has his wife back. Leo climbs over and lands next to Periwinkle. Graggia is freed and makes her way towards him too. The halfling that the party assumes is Papa Surefoot demands his security team pick up their weapons and do their jobs again, 5 of whom draw daggers. Graggia gives Periwinkle a look of gratitute, and Periwinkle cuts her ties.

The Surefoots won't let Periwinkle go until he releases the halfling, and vice versa. Papa Surefoot pushes himself towards the party slowly. He threatens that he will order his men to shoot Graggia if the halfling hostage is not released. Leo slips away, counterclockwise around the fort. Papa Surefoot announces that he will use the weapon to take over the city. Periwinkle says he'll kill him, but Papa Surefoot retorts that it will be difficult to do when he's riddled with bullets. From behind Papa, Periwinkle hears a weird mechanical sound and, all of a sudden, bullets tear through this building in the centre of the fort towards Periwinkle.

''Can our heroes defeat the mighty gnomish weapon? Find out next time...''

Quotes

 * "Greg Piss is just Jackson." - Adam Carnevale
 * "Surprise, motherfucker." - Periwinkle
 * "You're John fucking McClane." - Jackson to Handsome Tom, about Periwinkle
 * "But if you hug that boy.... well, let's just say, I've amassed a long amount of skills over a storied career..." - Papa Surefoot

Trivia

 * It's Just Good Business is the name of a podcast that was broadcast on the Sanspants network which featured Jackson Baly and his family.
 * Papa Surefoot's proclamation, as quoted above, is a nod to Handsome Tom's Taken reference in Little Teaglaigh.